Tag Archives: Life

Attack of a fearful kind


I feel so tense, it’s 3:30am

My heart is pounding through my body

An irrational fear has gripped me

I stand looking out of my window

Inhaling cold air as though it’s my last

I lay down my legs twitching uncontrollably

This will end but how? Is this THE end?

I lay listening to the radio

Thoughts whirling in and out of focus

I try to distract Myself but it’s no use

The wings of black are smothering me

It can’t be fought I can only accept it

The contract has been signed

My soul is now yours to keep

You have won the war I can no longer battle

I surrender to the devil within.

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Cyclothymia –


I wake up to an epiphany everyday, buzzing with thoughts, high on adrenaline.

Catapulted into the stratosphere with nothing more than a basket of dreams and tears of fear.

There is no come down from this everlasting nightmare.

The switch is neither on or off the fuse is merely pulsating to the beat of dread.

Desperately willing to cut the cord, hoping for nature to break my fall.

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The saga continues – death do us part #2


“Through the valley of death, lies a secret to be kept. Through the night of hidden secrets a lie is to be said. Whisper softly upon ones ear until this moment it was you I fear”. He woke to the sound of someone dressed in black whispering into his ear, it felt nice.

It felt almost worm and peaceful. “Is this it? Have I finally succumbed to my untimely death? Am I in hell? Am I in heaven?” Greg attempted to move he couldn’t, he attempted to scream but he couldn’t. “Stay still my fallen angel, stay still”. “What the fuck is this? Who are you?” The lady fell silent and began to stand, she was holding something in her hand, it looked like a broom. Greg instantly realised what this was. “Your a witch, that’s right your a witch who has trapped my soul in this dead body aren’t you? Listen what have I ever done to deserve this, I can’t move this excuse of a body I feel so so cold what is going on tell me N-N-Now!!”

The woman removed something from her head, Greg’s vision was disturbed from the bright lights surrounding him. “Did you speak love?” “YES WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”….”no sorry duck I can’t understand what your saying, I’ll just finish replacing the hand towels and wash your sink out and leave you be”. Greg didn’t know what to say “A FUCKING CLEANER!?!?”. She continued sweeping the floor and placed her headphones back over her ears and began to sing “There’s a lady who’s sure All that glitters is gold And she’s buying a stairway to heaven”.

Greg decided he was loosing his shit “psychosis I’ve got psychosis, my boss always said I would have a break down…this is it”. He closed his eyes again, hoping to fall asleep and dream of something that made him feel human again.

This was to be short lived, he could hear a ruckus outside of his hospital room. “He is my husband and I demand that I see him, how am i supposed to feed my child, how am I supposed to go to work? NO NO NO I’m sorting this out…GREG…GREG….GREG they won’t let me in. Move BITCH” Greg heard an almighty crash and a female screaming for security. The double doors to Greg’s room burst open, “AWWW my man, we need to get you out of here, I know your dead but I need you to provide for us some how. I’m going to take you to the job centre and see if we can get you on the dole”. Greg was in disbelief…”I’m dead clinically at least, I can’t move and I don’t know what the fuck is happening to me, yet you expect me to visit the job centre so I can sign on?…..ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY??????”.

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FEAR


I’m consumed by a darkness that embraces me like nothing else. Bruised black and blue beaten daily by my own intrusive thoughts. Constantly assessing and obsessing over unnecessary predicaments associated with a constant irrational itch seeded deep within a locked down subliminal state, a storm so violent my very core trembles with each beat. I cry wolf every chance I can get. This fear is real it has eaten me whole I can’t seem to escape it I just fucking hate it. I long for a break within the storm clouds, but with each time the storm calms I brace for a return, fearing that this time my soul will never come home, an empty structure that moves with the wind, a beacon of fear staring deep into the dark.

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Work….


He wanted nothing more than an escape, his grip on reality was slipping. His days merging into total chaos, like a whirlwind sucking him into a dark abyss.

It was Sunday night, his stomach was in knots. Another day of typing, another day sat in a room filled with fluorescent light and the sounds of people selling their souls and drowning in thoughts of horror.

“five days…Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thur….Fri….” he punches the mirror, he can’t even look at himself. Looking down at his numb fist he watched the crimson flow drip slowly into the sink “I need to escape, start again…I need my life back” he opened the bathroom door, his flat was small and in sheer disrepair. His lounge was his bedroom and also his kitchen it consisted of a singular cupboard with a microwave on top and a single mattress on bare floorboards covered in stains. It was dark and damp. The smell of death was ever present and despite several complaints to his landlord, it fell on deaf ears.

He lay down on his bed and tuned his radio to BBC radio five live as always. He felt hungry, his lips were dry and his eyes stinging from a constant migraine that never seemed to stop. He always had the radio on whilst he slept, it drowned out his thoughts and made him feel safe in the darkness. Secretly he enjoyed listening to other people’s woes, with Stephen Nolan asking “outside the box questions” in a cut throat manor. Tonight was no different to any other Sunday night, he closed his eyes laying naked on his bed. It was cold, goosebumps spread down his skinny Mal nourished body.

“I’m fed up of today’s society Stephen, Snow flakes…that is all they are. In my day I would work fifteen hours straight Monday to Saturday, I had six kids to feed and was paid £10.00 a month. Now tell me how that is fair?” The radio presenter took a long pause…”your pathetic you work nine to five Monday to Friday earning £1000 per month…and you say you can’t do it? You really are a worthless creep and you don’t deserve any better because your not capable of earning it” He took another pause “this gent is right you have to work hard and do what you need to do to live and that is it”.

The room began to spin as he opened his eyes he could see nothing but blackness, the radio was talking to him again…”do the right thing Micheal we know you are listening to us, do the right thing and contribute to our great Britain, you cannot and will not defy us. Work is the only way out. Work until you can no longer work, then you can die.

“What do you want from me…I can’t do this you can’t control me I’m a human being I’m alive…” He picked up the radio and in a blind rage threw it across the room, the sound of intermittent static filled the room…”hahaha your alive because we allow you to be alive….you work for us we own you. You will work for us until you die and there’s nothing you can do about it.

He stood up, he struggled with his balance walking towards the window, he knew how to finally escape. He climbed upon his window sill, his vision still blurry and dizzy. The room fell silent the radio was smashed to bits. He turned his head to take one last look. The cold wind penetrated his flesh, he turned to look back at what he was leaving behind.

“Fuck it….”.

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Panic


I’m sitting here wishing,

Waiting for a trip beyond this.

Nothing can keep me from this moment

Not even the death that grips my mind.

The grace of all missery, dressed in a gown of

black.

The fury of her hatred, a burning polaris

igniting a trepid reaction to a meaningless vision

The heart beating faster than the speed of

light

time around me drowns and moans

Gasping for air I’m sinking slowly waiting

Sinking, deep, dangerous, dark, distraught

Time has gone, light has gone

beats beat faster

sense is senselessness without emotion

Distorted smashed into shards

Filled with fear it’s closing me down

No returning from this eruption

I’m a canibal

Eating my own soul

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storms are coming


Black sky’s surround us once and for all 

The time has come to approach this

I’ll try and catch your fall 

If only, if only there was a way to forget this

Maybe then we would be ok Maybe then we could get away…I once knew a place 

A place where everything would be ok 

But you forgot to sing and you gave it all away 

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Dissasociation


Her crimson eyes told me to hear her

this displacement this corruption

I didn’t know this was going to happen

I didn’t know this was going to happen  

I fled in fear Heading straight to the pier

I see nothing but sheer disconnection 

No intention for ever loving me

 

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Stop (something i stumbled upon…)


 

If I close my eyes I see nothing but black, when I open my eyes I’m presented with the middle finger from a world that doesn’t give a fuck. Only the best man knows the secrets of a life without a fist up his crack. Puppet master oh puppet master grant me one wish I plead remove your tightly clenched fist from my rectum I insist don’t stare me down don’t call my bluff just release me from this world that gives no fuck.
In return I shall prosper until my card is called a lifetime released from this truly lethal decree. Spared from the words of our keeper prepared and aware of a lapse in your promise. I and only I shall hide within the woodwork listening to the brass clockwork tick and then and then stop.

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